Why I Chose to be a Bachelor of Arts in Music

(Don't worry, this isn't an essay. This is just... more thoughts. And possibly some ranting.)

Just to quickly finish off the last two blog posts: The snow was gone by morning, and it's been sunny ever since, except for last night when it stormed. It has been getting colder though. And poor plant still seems to have no idea about the imminent freeze that will happen any day now that will most likely destroy all of its eight flowers. (Yes, despite the looming destruction, it continues to flourish. There may be tears shed when it finally succumbs to fall...) Of course, I know nothing about plants, not even the one I managed to keep alive since May, so maybe it's supposed to be doing this...


On other matters, I've been contemplating the consequences of choosing to be a BA in Music. I know, you're sick of my talking about it, but I really feel that this must be addressed, because so far I've been suffering some serious consequences because of it that I really do feel are unnecessary and rather unfair.


Once upon a time I went to college. I started out my college career as a Music Performance major. My first two semesters were in a different state, before I transferred here, and all was fine and wonderful and butterflies and cupcakes. People were impressed with how well I played the trumpet, I had many ambitions that I thought were impossible, and I only practiced an hour a day, five days a week and I was fine. I was in shape because of a rigorous marching band season, and I had my church family.


That's when I met Dan. We fell in love and got married a year later and then I moved up to Southern Idaho so he could finish his schooling and so could I, because during a visit to here I fell in love with the music department. There was a special spirit about the campus and some of the brass faculty had done some of the things I wanted to do. It was amazing! I was excited! Rainbows and puppies and more cupcakes!


And then one day I learned about a third degree that the University offered, called a Bachelor of Arts in Music. (Most colleges offer two, the Performance and Music Education degrees- or if they do offer a BA, then I never knew about it. This University was very nice in telling me that yes, I did have options.) I was instantly charmed by this degree, one that wasn't as time consuming, let me pick some of the classes I wanted to take, let me have a Creative Writing mini-minor, didn't require me to practice 18 hours a week (mostly because I'd already completed three of the four required juried lessons for that major), and by all appearances seemed to be something I could shape and mold to what I wanted to do.

 I couldn't get this potential option out of my mind. It haunted me. It was rainbows and puppies and cupcakes, but with kittens too. I literally thought about this for days- I even cried about it. Finally I made the decision- I was going to switch to the BA. It was the best thing for me, I decided, and would make me so happy. I even talked with the faculty adviser about it, and when he heard what I wanted he said it sounded like the BA was the right thing for me. So I did it. I switched.


I felt awesome. I felt light and free and excited. I had the entire world in my hands. I had the power to decide my college path.

And then the trumpet teacher who was away on sabbatical came back. He pegged me for not practicing, (ok, yeah, I should practice more than twice a week) and then, right at the very end of the semester he told me that he really really really really really really really REALLY wanted me to switch back to the Performance degree. It was the best option. The only way I'd learn. He had it all planned out, all I had to do was make the switch.


I was devastated. My whole future crumbled. I became a worrisome mess that sometimes led to tears. Poor Dan had no clue what to do with me. But then I came up with a plan. One that would work. It had to- I was actually making decisions for myself. I would just talk to him at my audition, and tell him that I wasn't switching but that I wanted to study other music and that I'd try harder to do more research and more listening and more practicing. I would do my best to make a change. (It should be noted that said change would definitely NOT be easy.)

And then this semester started. I had it all planned out. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. (Not that I'd remember it when I went in there...) Then I actually had the audition. (You might remember I wrote about it in THIS blog post.) It wasn't even half the length of the audition of the girl who went before me. I was one of the last of the day, and the instant I said, "I'm sticking with the BA," I saw a little switch click in his head. He was over it. Fine. If I wanted to just be stubborn and not develop my talents, that was fine with him. "I was thinking I could take non-major lessons..." I began, trying to get my foot in the door, trying to make him understand that I wanted to work this out- but then he shot my foot. "I won't have time to teach non-major lessons this semester."


That was it. The end. Nothing could save me now (except switching back to the Performance Degree).


I found out later that not only are there fourteen trumpets in the studio this semester but he's also trying to finish his Doctor in trumpet, so he's super busy. It's not like he glares at me as we pass each other in the hallway or writes me angry emails or anything. I just decided that I wasn't going to work on lessons this semester. That's all. I'll try again next semester... right?


The only problem with this is that I still can't get myself to practice for Symphony Band. Or for anything. At first I just counted it off as laziness, but then, while I was talking to a friend the other day, I realised part of the problem is that I felt lost as a musician. I don't know how to practice. I don't know what to practice. I don't know how to get the music I want to practice. And not only that, but when I saw my trumpet teacher get so turned off by my decision to stick with the BA, something inside me died. Why should I play the trumpet? If he doesn't care, why should I care? If he's not interested in helping me further my talents, then why should I be interested? What is there to love?


Don't get me wrong, I love playing in band. But I'm not getting anywhere. Because I'm not a Performance major I was denied the opportunity to play in Symphony Orchestra (which is my FAVORITE) or Chamber Brass. Perhaps being a BA isn't the reason why I wasn't allowed to remain in orchestra after having been in it for my entire career here thus far, but boy, that's sure what it seems like. I should go in and talk to him about it, but I can't bring myself to do it. (Plus he's never in his office.) All I can remember is that audition day, the day he shut the door in my face.


Now, I know what you're thinking- if this is so heartbreaking, why are you still a BA? All you had to do is say "Yes! I'm switching back!" and you'd be happily playing Mussourgsky right now.


Here's the deal: I like the BA. I like the freedom it grants me. I don't feel weighed down by all the things that they require me to do on top of my normal schoolwork. I have time to sleep and eat and see my husband. I have time to develop sincere and serious interests, such as creative writing and conducting and composition and organ lessons, as well as play my trumpet and become better at it. I like being able to do more than eat, sleep, breath, shower, and clip my toenails with my instrument. I love my instrument, but I also love doing other things away from it. It keeps me sane.


I'm not the only one who has had trouble with this. My aunt also chose the BA, and as a flute player she was turned down from playing in ensembles in college as well. They would be all willing to accept her, but the instant they found out she was a BA, they told her she couldn't play with the group. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? In the professional world, auditions are blind. No one will turn you away if you can play better than the next guy, regardless of what degree you have. The teacher adviser told my class about a guy who was an accountant or something, and he grew up playing the tuba. He wanted to do that too, so he auditioned and got accepted in a major symphony, and he rehearses with them just like any other guy. It doesn't matter what degree you have!


It's extremely frustrating to have to go through this. I figure I'll just rant about it here and there until the end of the semester, at which point I'll probably just revert back into a worrisome and slightly sobby mess. But I honestly have no clue what to do or who to talk to- should I try to talk to my trumpet teacher? Should I just give up and look somewhere else for lessons? Am I just being too irrational in my desires to study orchestral music over specific solos? Am I stupid? What's going on here? If other BA's in the department are having similar troubles, I haven't heard of it.


On a happier note, I made AWESOME cookies the other day. If you read this entire post then I'll give you cookies if you drive up here. They are chocolate chocolate chip cookies with Reeses peanut butter chips thrown in. SO TASTY! Or you can fight Dan for a slice of banana bread.


PS- I'm also thinking of trying to post every day, or every other day. Any thoughts on this, since you probably don't have any advice for my ginormous rant? I mean, if you do that's FANTASTIC, I'll take it- unless your advice is for me to switch back to the Performance major. Then I'll probably punch you or send you spam and hate mail or something.