Yockeyite Banter: Part Six

While visiting my brothers...
Me: So I was weighing Gummy Bear the other day, and guess how much he weighs?
BabyBro: Two chins.


I spelled something wrong while texting Meema...
Meema: Haha did you read that before you sent it????
Me: Today I'm not going to fix any if my mistakes so you can see what my thubs do all the time
Meema: Hahahahahaha
Me: You should do it tio
Meema: Except my ohine automayically clrrects things do I don't notmslly type proper
Me: Mine corrects some thongs but not others
Meema: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: I was going to get up and do stuff and then you said to pin more funny stuff and now I'm looking at pinyerest and want to eat chcicokate and marshmallows
Meema: Hee hee I live not fixibg things
Me: I don't even think my thumbs jbiw how to sell chcoikare
Me: Spekl
Me: Apell
Me: SPELL CHOCOLATE
Meema: Your thibs? I mean thubs? Hee her this is fantastic
Meema: This is going to remain funny yntil one of us accidentally spells a bad eoed
Meema: Word
Me: Hahahahahaha


Texting song lyrics to Meema...
Me: IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT PAT YOUR HEAD
Meema: GOSH DANG IT I LITERALLY JUST PATTED MY HEAD IN CLASS


Watching my friend's four kids, and we decide to watch "Tom and Jerry" cartoons....
Me: I love Tom and Jerry! It's my favorite!
5yo Girl: Me too! What is this one called?
Me: "The Cat Concerto"
Girl: Oooooooh... that sounds scary!"


Husband Man, while reading Daniel ?:?? in the Old Testament:
"...and knowledge to them that know no knowledging..."
(Should be "and knowledge to them that know understanding")


Watching my friend's four kids again, and I don't know who said what...
Kid #1: And we have heavy butts.
Kid #2: Yeah, like a tomato.


 Playing Clue with Husband Man's siblings, at midnight, after eating ice cream and soda and are pretty much all loopy...
Me: Chugga chugga chugga chugga... I wanna be a choo choo train when I grow up.
Guy: I think you can.
(I wish I'd written down more. It was a goofy night!)

Yockeyite Banter: Part Five

While getting a wedding dress for KT in Utah....
KT: This is going to sound weird, but that is a cool picture of asparagus.


After looking at a recipe she asked me to send her...
Meema: It says "butter, no substitutes" and I always go "you can't tell me what to do!"


While sitting with a friend at her house, the week before Christmas, we overheard the kids talking while they played in a blanket fort...
Oldest girl: Ok, who wants to hold the baby Jesus?
Two younger brothers (together): Me, me!!
Oldest girl: Ok, rule number one... Never, ever, let a little shepherd hold the baby Jesus.


Texting my seester...
Meema: I was eating a banana and dancing in the car and I accidentally wiped my banana on the ceiling
Ashy: Bahahahahahahaha Oh my goodness that is hilarious hahahahahahaha

Meema: Sold my truck :(
Ashy: Don't worry, you left a banana smear for truck to remember you by
Meema: No one knows it's there but me
Ashy: And me

Meema: Hey, want to see something really really funny?
Ashy: Of course I want to see something funny!
Meema: Did you get the picture?
Ashy: No picture. My phone is stupid.
Meema: Sorry. The pictures not that important. There's a banana smear on the car I'm gonna buy
Ashy: Hahahahahahaha Are you serious??
Meema: Yes oh my gosh it looks like boogers but I'm confident it's banana. Banana smear on the truck I sold and the car I'm buying.


While sitting in Primary during sharing time, I overhear something that goes like this...
Teacher: And how do we know that Heavenly Father loves us?
Sunbeam: Jellyfish.


Helping a friend out with her kids... I'm sitting with the oldest, a girl, on the couch while she makes a "book"...
Oldest: (reading out loud while she "writes") Dear dumpkin, I'm writing to the great pumpkin. I hope to see you in the next thirty days. Love, gramma and grandpa


Texting my sister again...
Me: I just took all my dirty dishes, loaded them on cookie sheets, and hid them in my bathtub. I can't decide if I should be ashamed or proud.
Meema: Hahahaha why
Me: Because the missionaries are coming over for dinner and I ALWAYS have dirty dishes. ... And of course the first conversation we have is about "honesty is the best policy"
Meema: Haha oh you're great

Yockeyite Banter Part Four

While traveling in the car with Husband Man...
HM: Upon closer inspection, a.k.a. I actually looked at it...

HM: Ok, those are smokestacks, not cell towers. I know because I actually looked at them.

A screamo song comes on the radio...
HM: I'm male. I have a guitar. Look at my tongue. (Does a screamo impersonation)


While at lunch with my seesters...
KT: (interrupting her own story) And I'm sorry, but that guy is running and his pecks are flapping...
Meema: What? Where??


Overheard while Husband Man was changing a poopy diaper...
H: Oh... Man... Ugh...... I know it gets worse, but.........
H: Son... I am your father... I come with an important message: Poop is not ok, unless it goes in the toilet.


Visiting an Investigator (to the church) about her baptism the next day...
Sister Missionary: You have white underwear, right? To wear under the jumpsuit?
Investigator: White underwear? Of course not. Who do you think I am, the Virgin Mary?


While feeding the Sister Missionaries, talking about peanut butter...
Sister Missionary (to New Member): New Member, are you chunky or smooth?


Driving on the highway late at night with a friend after a loooong day of shopping and a reception...
A tumbleweed is suddenly blown across the road, and Friend freaks out...
Friend: Oh my gosh... That scared me! Oh my gosh...
Me: It scared you but you didn't even slow down! What if that had been a small animal???
Friend: Actually I had just been thinking... If a small animal runs across the road, I'll just run over it with my truck!


While Husband Man is feeding Gummy Bear some rice cereal...
I turn around to see him having GB drink the cereal right out of the bowl...
Me: Husband! Don't do that!

HM: Stop spitting it out!
Me: You can feed him smaller bites. Sometimes that helps. But you can do it however you want.
HM: If we were doing this my way, we'd be using a funnel.

Texting Meema

Texting my little sister after her week-long horseback trip...
Meema: I am so filthy dirty right now I broke every single Sorensen record. I stink. Bad.
Me: How many days have you gone without a shower?
Meema: In the past six days I have showered once. Its been three days but I'm still in the same clothes I wore yesterday, and I've been wearing these pants for six days.
Me: How was the trip then? Awesome?
Meema: Heat exhaustion, dehydrated, and lack of sleep. Trip was awesome. Lots of gallivanting around in the moonlight when I should have been asleep. My hair still smells good which totally clashes with the b.o. smell
Me: You said "lots of gallivanting" and I pictured you and your horse prancing around together in a moonlit field
Meema: You pictured correctly

Me: You know what bothers me more than people who complain about their bad choices?
Meema: What
Me: People who whine when they're doing something amazing. "I just got a sunburn in Hawaii it hurts so bad :( "
Meema: Geez! You say, "shut up! Take it like a man! Life is about experiences! I hope you get skin cancer as karma for whining!" Did you say anything?
Me: No
Meema: Doesn't matter. Do it for America! ... Whoops, I'm sorry. I'm used to hollering at scouts.
Me: Hahaha that's awesome!
Meema: "GET UP THAT SPAR POLE! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU'RE ON FIRE! WHICH IS BAD CAUSE WE'RE IN A DROUGHT! SLOW DOWN!"
Me: Bahahahahaha no mercy from Meema!
Meema: "IS THAT HOW YOU PLAY LOGGER BALL? MY LITTLE SISTER CAN PLAY BETTER THAN THAT!" So much fun.

Meema: Well, I guess what will be, will be... My feet stink. Also my shoes. I'll never have non stinky feet.
Me: You've always had stinky feet. ... I mean, I'm sorry
Meema: Oh yeah? At least I shower! ........or did.


Meema: I could go inside and sleep but drivers seat of my truck seems just fine.
Me: Weirdo
Meema: For that I think I can drudge up some energy and move
Me: You're going to come home and sleep on the floor because your bed is too comfy
Meema: BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOSH YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW FUNNY THAT IS
Me: But it's true! You sleep anywhere but a bed!
Meema: I made it in the bunkhouse
Me: I just pictured you dragging yourself across the ground and through the doorway of the bunkhouse
Meema: In the past week I have slept: on a porch swing, on the floor, on uneven hay bales, on the roof of a shed, and in two different bunk houses
Me: So if all the workers sleep wherever they end up, then it must resemble what looks like after a party with drunk hungover unconscious people all over the place
Meema: I was going to deny that and then I thought about it and realised that's probably true. Even at base camp, where we all have bunks and where everyone goes on their days off, people sleep on the porch and on couches
Me: Cause beds are too comfy for you now
Meema: More like they just sit down and are too tired to get up again


Me: How are you??
Meema: IM JUST GREAT
Me: Bahahahahaha really?
Meema: REALLY GREAT. SO GREAT. FANTASTIC.
Me: AWESOME
Meema: ISNT IT


I sent her a picture of Gummy Bear...
Meema: OH MY GOSH HE'S SO CUTE I COULD JUST THROW UP BUTTERFLIES
Me: OH MY GOSH WHAT KIND OF BUTTERFLIES
Meema: ALL MAGICAL KINDS


Me: I'm going to try and send you a package tomorrow if I remember
Meema: It's alright, I'll be home next weekend
Me: I'm sorry... :(
Meema: Haha it's cool. I went to Walmart yesterday
Me: Woah. Civilization.
Meema: NO KIDDING THERE WAS A CAR SHOW IN TOWN TOO MANY PEOPLE I FREAKED
Me: Did you hide in the clothes racks?
Meema: Hahahaha no... But I refused to eat at KFC, so I took my food and parked at a dead end somewhere.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha
Meema: It was really pathetic, actually.


Meema: I've decided that when I have a kid, I'm going to decorate the nursery in camo.
Me: Do it


Me: Oh my gosh I smell so bad
Meema: Me too.


Meema: Hahahaha talking to one guy and he ran into a chair and realized he was going the wrong way oh my gosh I feel bad because he's embarrassed but I really want to laugh so hard
Me: Bahahahahaha
Meema: Hahaha it's still funny hahahaha


Meema: This guy thought I was 24
Me: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Meema: Why is that funny
Me: It's just weird to think of you as 24 hahahahaha
Meema: I know. I was flattered though


Trying to talk to me about My Fair Wedding With David Tutera...
Meema: Aha hahahahaha David has a cowgirl bride and he's so confused by her and wearing boots to the wedding hahaha hilarious
Meema: "What's a redneck?" Hahahaha David hahaha he doesn't know what a hick is either
Meema: David Tutera can't get on a horse and he ripped his pants oh my gosh I'm crying this is so funny
Meema: HELLO WHERE ARE YOU
Me: I'M MOVING INTO MY NEW APARTMENT
Meema: TALK TO ME OR I'LL CRY


Meema: So today the boss sent me to buy a soda cause the machine always takes his money and the machine took the money and didn't give me a soda but I heard it drop so I kicked it and reached up  in it and got two sodas and a penny somewhere so now I'm the coke machine master
Me: Hahahahaha that's funny oh man hahahaha
Meema: I feel so accomplished
Me: You can put that on your resume. "Coke Machine Master"
Meema: Another one from my boss: "How do I get across this? me: "Well the road goes by the fence, sir." "yeah but there's a gully." Minute later "Emily?" "yes sir?" "why didn't you make me listen to you?"


Love you, Meema!

Yockeyite Banter - Part Three

H: (while vacuuming) Hm... You've been sitting at the desk recently. Know how I can tell?
A: (looks over) ....there are lots of crumbs on the floor?
H: Yup.
A: ...I'm a crummy person.

While Husband Man was teaching his nephew the YMCA song...
Nephew: Y! M C E!

While waiting for our order at Taco Bell...
A:  I wanted, like, four chicken quesadillas but I didn't ask because I figured you'd get after me...
H: I'd tell you it wouldn't all fit in your tummy.
A: I'd make it fit!
H: You'd fill your stomach and all the way up--you'd have a bid of quesadilla hanging out your nose!
A: (laughs)

This one time, when Husband kissed me, his nose was runny and dribbled on my nose. Sous Chef thought it was hilarious....
S: When you're kissin' your hunny, and your nose is runny, and you think it's funny, but it's-snot...

While texting my baby sister, the queen of puns...
KT: "Pew pew pew" -church interior designer
Me: Bahahahahahahahahh that's awesome!!!
KT: Thank you, thank you
Me: Oh mylanta, I'm still laughing. It's a shame I didn't get it right away.
KT: I know, it takes a couple tries

(This is the perfect image to describe my baby sister and her puns.)

While listening to some epic music...
A: So this is dubstep? I like it.
H: It's like the only new thing in music for the last five years.
A: Well... but what kind of music are we talking about? Because in the classical world, they're still coming up with kooky things...
H: Well, in popular music the only new things have been dubstep, and the slight blending of country and pop.
A: ...Thanks, Taylor Swift.

While texting my little sister:
Meema: Remember my goal to be tan, ripped, and super attractive?
Me: Um, yes. That one was hard to forget ;)
Meema: I might have to settle for a farmer's tan, ripped, and up to the beholder.

Proverbs 6:12-13
"A naughty person, a wicked man, walketh with a froward mouth.
"He winketh with his eyes..."
H: So God doesn't like smizing...

Best fortune cookie ever:
"Failure is feedback. And feedback is the breakfast of champions."

Yockeyite Banter, Part Two

S: Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart?
H: I believe in hormones...

While at a friend's in-laws' house preparing for a wedding...
A: It's all fun and games until you get cat hair in your scruff.

After playing  Oregon Trail for the first time, Husband Man's Finnish brother-in-law fell asleep on the couch. As his wife led him downstairs to sleep on the bed...
FBil: I think I dreamed of dysentary.

Husband Man's Dad: We grew, and harvested, a lemon. In South Dakota. In December. ...I love global warming.

Texting my sister while I was recovering from the flu and bronchitis:
Meems: What's your temp?
Me: I dunno. I haven't taken it because I haven't felt it was off
Meems: Take it
Me: 97.9
Meems: You have cancer
Me: That's funny. The symptom checker said I had the Bubonic plague
Meems: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Sunday afternoon sitting...

S: What song is this? Handel?

A: I dunno... Wait, that's Pachabel's "Canon"! How could you forget that??

S: I didn't recognise it right away, it was more upbeat than I'm used to...

A: ....You're complaining that someone finally chose to play that song faster than a death march tempo??

S: NO! I was just saying.......

A: (ankle pops) Ow....

S: No hurting yourself!

A: I can't always choose if my ankle pops...

S: No purposely hurting yourself, like a masochist.

A: Well, I guess getting myself pregnant wasn't the best choice, then.

S & D: ................

A: Sorry, should I have not said that? ....See, I can still shock my husband with what comes out of my mouth....

S & D: (laughs)

Yockeyite Banter

While putting groceries away...
Me: Please put the marshmallows with the chocolate chips."
HusbandMan: Are you sure we shouldn't just put them with the regular chips? I mean, you eat them like chips..."


Sitting on the couch...
M: Did you shave today? You're scruffy.
H: ....I'm a real boy! Excuse me while I go drag a razor sharp piece of steel across my face--
M: <laughing> Hooray, you have a five-o-clock shadow!

While traveling in the car... (I must have smacked him or something...)
H: You were like SMITE and I was like SLAIN.... <makes blood spurting noises>

After making a breakfast cake...
M: Look! I only made a tiny mess!
H: What have you done with my wife?

While trying to do homework with Sous Chef (one of my friends up here, she's awesome):
M: Life is strange and unusual.
S: <quietly> punishment...

While talking about particularly bad-for-you desserts...
M: They call it "better than sex cake" but it has coconut in it, and coconut is not better than sex.
S: <horror-stricken>
S and H: <burst out laughing>
M: Did I really just say that?

M: Are we allowed to use the word "sex" on our blog?
H: Well, they have it in the Bible.
S: Usually when it's in the Bible it's called "adultery"...

While Husband Man was trying to kiss attack me, I put my hands up to cover my face...
H: I used to be a lover like you, and then I took a diamond in the teeth...

Sous Chef while cooking bacon...
S: Bacon, bacon, sizzle sizzle, you'd better taste good... for shizzle....??

After looking for something on the top shelf of our closet...
M: My face and my trumpet [case] got in a fight, and my trumpet won.

Texting my baby sister...
S: What if you farted so explosively that the friction from your butt cheeks set your pants on fire?
M (in real life after reading it): . . . . . <evil thought>
M (in text): You should ask [Husband Man] how that goes.
S: He's set his pants on fire? That's so cool!
M: <facepalm>

While waiting for the chiropractor...
M: How's this for my Husband Man muppet face impersonation?
H: You have little wrinkles... frowny dimples...?
M: Frimples!